Thursday, January 29, 2009


I woke up this morning cold...and in a panic. I am not sure what happened, in the last few days. My heart has been ripped out and I can see it on the floor bleeding. I cant stop crying at my desk (at least I don't face anyone) and the pain in my stomach feels like I just ate some rocks.

My love was real, true and pure. It was the good kind. The kind that makes you nervous. The kind that makes you want to wear your best underwear and sing songs. And cook (even when you don't know how). And be silly and know its OK. I trusted this person with my thoughts and feelings.

This is what heartbreak feels like? Is this why people write sappy songs and make bad decisions? I have been through a ton of shit in my life and every time I loose a love it feels like it hurts worse than the one before. And no deaths in my family have hurt me as much as feeling like I gave my heart and it did not work out. And in this situation today, the person says they love me too. But they have to do what they think is right, and that means not being with me.

I know that when I read this some time from will hurt less and I will be still alive, sober, and living my life. I will be ok. I always am. It hurts really bad right now. It seems to me that life is too short to give up someone that shares your heart. And making the change to fix things inside you because you are worth it and the people you choose to be with are worth it, but some people don't share that feeling. They are not willing to even try. They say "they can't" and give up. And I deserve better (this is where I convincing myself) and to be treated with respect and admiration. I want to be with someone that will not lie to me.

Maybe I am getting the karma back for all the lies I have told in the past. Maybe this is a lesson I am ment to learn? Maybe this all happened for a reason. Something I can't see right now.

I do know that I can take the time I was spending on them, and put it into things I want to do for myself. Stuff that was easy to put off and shelve for another day. Well that day is today. I am alone once again (with the exception of leon...and he is tired of my tears too) and I will be fine.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Wang Zhijie, lives and works in Beijing. Amazing paintings.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

oh mark, how i love you so...

I wish I was rich so I could buy expensive art. This is not even that expensive, but lass I cant afford it. Someday for sure. Thank you Mark Ryden for still keeping your art cheap enough so I consider spending the money I am saving to pay my electricity bill, but too expensive to really do it...

*1/21/09 side note: this print sold out in less than two hours. gone. never to be hung in my house. oh well, good things come to those who wait*

Thursday, January 8, 2009

hell yes, let's...

I spend some of my waking time reading blogs. I needed to blog about one that I read today. Its pretty much summing up most of what is great with the world. in a nutshell.

The super details are not really needed: A girl & her dog - who have been living out of their van for the last year, are back home in Portland after traveling around finding herself. She made a divorce final and she left her wedding ring in the tip jar at a coffee house in the NE of Portland. Anonymously.

Her quote" Speaking of amazing tips, a lucky barista in NE Portland clocked out of her shift last week and rode her fixed gear bike home while wearing my wedding ring, which I uncerimoniously and anonymously removed from my right hand and tossed in the tip jar. And I didn't even force her to listen to me talking about the damn rain."

She is staying with friends now. I love people.

I think that I need to hear more about peoples self-less doings to make me realize that i get the most joy in the world helping others. And regardless of how I am doing, I need to put my stuff aside and take a backseat to someones pain and/or happiness. It feels good. Every time. All the time.

that's it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

2008, you were pretty good to me.

Things I am grateful for in 2008. in no order.

• I am just celebrated my 10Th sober nye.
• my mom's health is still pretty good.
• I still love the job I go to everyday.
• I have a boyfriend that care very much for.
• I have realized that people are not anyways what they show on the outside, and in turn they can tell you things you should change and not do those thingsthemselves.
• I am learning about how NOT to have expectations.
• I have a wonderful friend Claire who has come back into my life.
• Leon the cat is doing great.
my sponsor bill is great.
• I don't need anything.
• I have started riding a bike, and it makes me feel good.
• I still have hope in living in Portland at some point, but have just turned that shit over.
• I still have all my teeth.
• I have a great small group of people in my life that know me, and judge me very little. :)
• Rett has come into my life and let me draw this great book, and paid me for it.
• I feel safe.
• I can trust women, even if they are crazy.
• My home is great.
• I have lots of good memories from this year: riot fest, starting my book, someone leaving my life- so that opened me up to new friends, b&l's Halloween party, going to NYC for the first time, growth with some amazing people, seeing my friend James change so much, Sundays at beans, my mom and i really making changes in the way we relate...and a ton of other good stuff.