Tuesday, December 22, 2009

sorry...not really keeping up.


I have been slacking on the blog thing. Its funny I asked my friend Maddie to blog so I could see what was going on in her head from across the country and then I don't do the same.

The holidays make me feel the need to write. I don't do Xmas cards. Its not that I don't want to...its that I always loose peoples addresses. And then asking for them again seems silly so I just don't do it. Maybe one year, I will get my shit together and do it...the other thing is, I don't want to put that one typed out letter in it. The one that says everything that has gone on for the last year. I would rather hand write a card and leave it at that. Call me. Shit text me and I can tell you in a sentence whats going on. <3

That being said...this is whats going on.
Living in New York has been great. Its been the best move I have ever made. Hard and sometimes lonely, but really good. I never thought I would be living in this huge city. I guess I had weird feelings about living in a city I had only seen in the movies. Many movies. And people had said that New Yorker's are mean and uptight. I have found the exact opposite. The people I see here, the ones that are working hard and living for today are wonderful. They help each other with nothing in return and are kind and open. Loving even.

Getting use to not having a car. Something I had relied on for so long. My day's are planned with how much time it takes to get from one point to another point. My feet have stopped hurting (or at least I have stopped complaining about them hurting) and I know that you need to always wear layers (in all seasons) and having a good bag is important. I have to plan things out far in advance. My life was very easy in Milwaukee, I had my routes to places. I had a car to get me there. And when I am waiting for my "J" train in the morning, and the wind is killing my face I remember that I made the choice to sell my beloved Jetta. I made the right decision to sell the car. I am glad when I don't have to sit in traffic in the morning and at night to get to my job on Long Island. Its only an hour+ commute, but its opposite of the people that work in NY. The train is empty and quiet for the most part. And it gives me time to meditate and start my day with a new outlook, every day. Its peaceful. I feel peaceful.

Living with James has been great. He is an amazing partner. We have a very large apartment (by NY standards) and its very comfortable. Leon is happy. We have a sanctuary to come home to. It may not be in the best neighborhood, but I feel comfortable. And we found a market pretty close to the house that has everything we need. Target is far and we have not made the trip there yet, but we will. And we have a guest room (with no bed in it yet, but we will) for anyone that wants to come stay.

Making friends has been hard. People in our "community" are kinda clicky. I have made a couple of new girl-friends and that is nice to be able to have friends to talk with. And I have some new responsibilities, which is nice.

All in all this place is amazing. There are people here from everywhere and when you walk down the street you hear every language possible. It makes me feel like I am in the right place and when I wake up next to the love of my life every morning, I know I made the right choice.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

welcome home?

moved. bushwick, brooklyn. I have been here a month tomorrow. working 'on' long island. living in a huge city. adorable apartment. healthy relationship with an amazing man. commuting to work on the subway. meeting new people. not meeting new people. feeling lonely. new meetings. not riding my bike. not driving. sore feet. great coffee. diversity. happy kitty. lots of people in a small area. hawaiian food delivered. new ring. lots of ipod use. strange new co-workers. drop off/ pick up laundry. missing target. grocery shopping with backpacks. dharma punks meditation.

just a few new things happening in my life.

i am overall happy.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Really...this time. Not a fake out move. I am really leaving Milwaukee. 6.5 years in a city that was never even on the radar. Its been amazing. I have found somethings out about myself, that i would never have seen in another place. I will miss it here. I have some AMAZING friends. I have some really good memories with people i am no longer close with.

New chapter in my life. And why not go to the biggest city in the US? ok I will try it. And i get to go be with the most wonderful person I have ever met. He makes my heart skip beats. Its f-ing amazing. And a new job, still doing what I love. Its all meant to be. I put it out there and the gods looked down and said "ok, this is gonna go smooth". Today I sold my car, its hard to release that hold on that last possession. The first thing I have ever paid off and really taken care of in my life. But its just a car, and I am excited about NOT having a car in a city where that is totally possible. And now we have a cash cushion to make any money blows a ton easier. I am excited. I am not sure its really hit me yet. Tomorrow is my last day at my job. A job that I have learned so much and have so many great friends. All of its hard to leave...and I don't do change so well.

It feels right though. I had applied for so many jobs and this was the one that I was most qualified for...and i got it from 4 states away. Someone has to be looking in on me.

more blogs coming from NY soon...


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

feeling inspiration

We just got back from three lovely days in NYC. I feel a little uneasy sitting in my cube. I have spoke before about how I feel like my creative juices stop flowing in wisco. I have to go out and look for it, and search out other people who inspire. When we were in NY, I saw it everywhere. From the silly boots the women are wearing, the subway tiles, on coney island, Brooklyn flea, amazing coffee shops, fun bikes, union square madness, silly diners and the people. Wow, the people. Whoever said the people that live in NY are assholes, was possibly just an asshole. I met some amazing people, people who look you in the eye when you are speaking with them. I feel as tho I am a good judge of character, and I met some great characters.

So I feel inspired. I want to cut things out, glue things, make things...shiny things...dull flat black things...I want to see things float and tear apart my clothes, just to make new ones. I think maybe its time to live someplace I have never been. The problem is I work. I have bills to pay, so having a job is important.

I know I will be missing James when he leaves and this is a great opportunity for him. I also feel like the love we have is strong, and can withstand a ton. We fought so hard to make this work, when it felt everything was against us in the beginning. And now we have a strong connection. I can feel it.

photos coming soon. i pinkie swear.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

things i like for the week

•this blog, brings me happiness...everyday.
•me and the boyfriend are going on a trip to nyc!
fixie pixie
oh and this photo....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

holy bike balls.

I built a bike. I am too lazy to take a good photo of it...but its wonderful and i have learned a ton. I feel alive on my bike. And going to the gym blows so I like to ride my bike until my back is burning. It took me two weeks to take it apart and put it all together. oh and some $$$. The guys at Ben's sorta helped me. When I walked in and said I did not know anything, I think they thought they could sell me the $250 Deep V's. But I had done my homework and knew that I was not going to get bent over today. Yes, I didn't know shit. I was not going to spend all my hard earned money on some wheels I would not be using to the best of their ability. So I bought the cheaper ones, and they helped me. It turned out to be a good experience. I had bought a cheaper Peugeot from a funny guy in South Milwaukee. He was a character...bill was his name. A good dude. He had bought the bike for his wife in the 80's. She never rode it. I took it home and promptly started taking it apart.

I love my bike and its so much more rewarding knowing that I put it all back together...with a little help from these guys.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

mendo - little late

It has taken me awhile to get a blog written after the trip to my old home town. I have been back for almost two weeks already and I am just now sitting down to write this. Maybe I needed to process it?

Me and James planned a trip from our trip, up to the sleepy town of Mendocino. We were going to stay with the lovely Freda-n-Tim (somehow that just reminded me of fish-n-chips for some reason?) and I was told that someone I had gone to school with had bought the Mac House in downtown mendo. So I called and got a good rate on a sweet little room for James and I. We got into town around 2pm on Saturday. I drove in the long way, around the headlands. I had butterflies in my belly.

*A little back history on mendo for me: The last time I lived in mendo, it was 92...right after I turned 18. I was really messed up on meth, and I needed to get out of there. I was not happy, and I was causing more chaos than good. I left with a sour taste in my mouth. And went north.*

So coming back was always a little weird for me. I had never really resolved the feelings, I felt when I left. It's a small town...maybe 2000 people/animals. maybe. I had finished high school there barely. I had a ton of people I had lied to, ripped off, and pissed off. I did not have a lot of people who were friends. And I was a shit person. So when we pulled into town, I still half expected a bunch of drunk guys in pick-up trucks to start throwing rotten eggs at me, and yelling obscenities. That did not happen. When we passed the flats the usual crowd (maybe not the same people, but the same flannel/truck/dog combo was down there) and it brought back all the memories...spending my life chasing a high, because I was bored. And let me tell you this town in one of the most beautiful places I have lived. You forget that when your so busy getting a buzz to make life- livable. Me and James checked into our room, and went to the bakery to get some pretty good coffee (thanksgiving coffee is putting out some good stuff) and a cinnamon twist. (for bean) We then walked up to Mendoza's (which was bought by Harvest market) and got some snacks. Its weird to walk the same streets you feel you know, but it's like a different land now. I saw Big Al. He looks pretty good. Some things never change.

We then went to the headland, straight down Lansing St. There is this big cement slab that we use to sit and drink beer on. The last time I was in Mendo, the headlands had all been cut back to kick out the bums, and to make it easier to catch the underage kids drinking. They have all grown back now, and it's like it use to be...lots of blackberry's, big bushes, and bums "camping" out. The path was rough and muddy. Lots of memories. We passed kids drinking beer (whatever was on sale that day :)) and that same vacant look in their eyes. Dirty hoodies and Ben Davis that looked like they had never been washed. We were taking photos, and looking like tourists. People said hi.

Down on the beach. People drinking (the same sale beer) and making food on the fire pit. The sun was setting and I think I could feel why my mom had decided to move here in the first place. Its pretty amazing. Freda and Tim came to the room, and we all went to the bench at Portuguese Beach and sat and talked. It got cold. We went to the Mendo Cafe for burritos. The prices have gone up and they took all the good stuff off the menu. oh well.It was fun. And F&T are great to talk with. After me and James went into the hot tub - a first for him- and it was HOT. We then snuggled up in the yummy bed and went to bed.

Easter Sunday. I decided I could not stay in bed any longer and went up to the Bakery to get us some coffees. This was the town I remembered...there was only a couple locals out, but otherwise it was ghost town. I walked past Corners of the Mouth. I walked up the steps at the bank and had to sit there for a couple of minutes. I had so much unresolved history in the small quaint village. It was time to make my amends. I said I was sorry for all the things I had done to the town and the people who lived in it. I said I was done feeling like I owed this town something. I no longer wanted my stomach to turn when I made the left hand turn into the town I once knew. I wanted to walk away this time with the feeling that I had left the old Kai behind. And was able to see the beauty and stare out at the bay and feel like this place that had once brought so much joy and pain...was now just Mendocino. An amazing place where I had grown up.

We had reservations at the Mac House and had a yummy breakfast that was included in the price of the room. It was really nice. Then went north to Fort Bragg. Not the town I remember. I guess a ton of people have moved here and the vibe is much more hippy than redneck. We went and saw Madame Chinchilla at Triangle Tattoo. She gave us a rad tour and took our photos. Its a great museum of all things tattoo. Lots and lots of history.

Then onto Fred's in Cleone to say our last goodbyes to Freda and Tim and see Fred. Its been a long time. This was a place I spent a ton of time at. Lots of great parties. It felt like home.

Then more north to Leggett...but this is good left for another blog at some point.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

that one day....

march, 15th 1998

I decided on this day that I would no longer use alcohol to make me feel better. And every year I celebrate this, with an anniversary. For the last 8 or so years it includes Sushi and the local strip bar. I have carried this tradition with me from state to state....it is usually the people that are closest with me...this year the posse included James, Lora, Jenny h, Tracy, Todd, Bill E., Joshie, Margret, Addie, Clayton, and me. We had a nice time at dinner, lots of sushi eaten. Thank you for dinner, lover.

I got the most wonderful cake made for me. James had it made. My nick-name is Pork Chop. The cake was so fun.

Then we were off to the strip bar. And the story is going to end there. The people who went know how much fun was had! What up VIP, bitches.

I Love you all for celebrating with me.


things i luv today

•croutons on my potbelly salad
•my boyfriends butt
•katy perry's distorted face
•my boss jeff g.
•clean white sheets


Monday, March 9, 2009


I have not been posting recently because I have been busy at work and trying to stay afloat. I have been doing some crafty things tho. And I figured I would tell you about them now. I got really excited about making the cards in my last post and I thought I could sew that on anything. So my new adventure in embroidery is to fine silly sayings in french/Italian/ Spanish and change them so they have swear words or something silly in them, and then stitch them onto a hoodie or something. So far it seems to be working out. I have "i fucking love you" in french sewn into my orange sweatshirt. in script. its pretty cute.

As far as anything much else? Not really much going on. I have had a couple friends visit in the last couple of weeks and its been really great. Being able to see Claire's face and see Angela giggle, has lifted my spirits. And as much as I have friends that live far away...I know they are only a plane ride away.

Money has been making me a little bummed. Everything seems to cost more, and I seem to have less and less money to do things with. Its depressing. We are in a bad spot here in the World, and I have a gut feeling it's gonna get worse before it gets better. I keep putting myself out for design/production freelance work. And my HP will provide for me. This I know.

Oh and I have someone in my life that makes me feel good. I have been learning a ton about what he does. I am glad I am with someone that has such passion. Its refreshing and nice. And I am happy to share with him. We went to the Roast Barista Jam on Friday and that was fun, we went to the chili cook off on Sunday - also super fun. Its nice to just have someone fun by my side. :)


ps...expect a fun post next week(with photos)...I am having a party!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I don't even send cards....

but I am making some. And they are cute. Me and Lora had the first crafters anonymous meeting last night. And we made embroidery cards. It didn't cost much...(it was hard getting out of Michaels cheap tho) and they were pretty easy. And for some reason today, I can't stop making them. I go through fazes where I am totally into one project and it gives me joy...until I over-do it and then I forget how much joy it brought me and I am on to the next project. Kinda like my drinking. weird.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Something weird happened to me in the last week. I had a photo that I took at my boyfriends house up on my face book profile. And I was asked to take it down, by someone I would call a friend. This person said that I may offend some rabbi's he would like to add. So being the nice friend (hee hee) I am...I removed it as my profile picture. I did not think much of it...and but was not totally comfortable with that decision. It was not about the photo...it was the reason I guess. I feel like if you have friends that are going to beoffended by other friends...then really is face book the place to add them? Whatever, I did not think to much of it.

Until, I looked and saw that this person had taken a drawing I drew from my own personal website and was using it as their profile photo?! Which seemed weird. I think this person did not know that art is a special thing like that...and unless you ask someone to use your images, it's weird and not right. I really did not know how to handle this situation. I mean, I wanted them to take down the image, which they did after a couple of times. I also wanted to know why they would ask me to change a photo of myself because it MAY offend. I know what your thinking...who cares. I mean it's not like I had my shirt off and boobs out.

end result: I changed my photo. He deleted the one he took from my web page and I deleted him from my friends. It still leaves me with a creepy feeling.

Any suggestions?

Friday, February 6, 2009

porno rugs

I think my new project is going to be a latch hook rug of a naked chick. I went to the premiere of Handmade Nation last night. And it gave me some fuel for my crafty fire. I think I can make any project I set my mind to...so I am gonna start big. With a huge naked rug. I can't wait to walk all over her huge boobs. :)

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I woke up this morning cold...and in a panic. I am not sure what happened, in the last few days. My heart has been ripped out and I can see it on the floor bleeding. I cant stop crying at my desk (at least I don't face anyone) and the pain in my stomach feels like I just ate some rocks.

My love was real, true and pure. It was the good kind. The kind that makes you nervous. The kind that makes you want to wear your best underwear and sing songs. And cook (even when you don't know how). And be silly and know its OK. I trusted this person with my thoughts and feelings.

This is what heartbreak feels like? Is this why people write sappy songs and make bad decisions? I have been through a ton of shit in my life and every time I loose a love it feels like it hurts worse than the one before. And no deaths in my family have hurt me as much as feeling like I gave my heart and it did not work out. And in this situation today, the person says they love me too. But they have to do what they think is right, and that means not being with me.

I know that when I read this some time from now...it will hurt less and I will be still alive, sober, and living my life. I will be ok. I always am. It hurts really bad right now. It seems to me that life is too short to give up someone that shares your heart. And making the change to fix things inside you because you are worth it and the people you choose to be with are worth it, but some people don't share that feeling. They are not willing to even try. They say "they can't" and give up. And I deserve better (this is where I convincing myself) and to be treated with respect and admiration. I want to be with someone that will not lie to me.

Maybe I am getting the karma back for all the lies I have told in the past. Maybe this is a lesson I am ment to learn? Maybe this all happened for a reason. Something I can't see right now.

I do know that I can take the time I was spending on them, and put it into things I want to do for myself. Stuff that was easy to put off and shelve for another day. Well that day is today. I am alone once again (with the exception of leon...and he is tired of my tears too) and I will be fine.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Wang Zhijie, lives and works in Beijing. Amazing paintings.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

oh mark, how i love you so...

I wish I was rich so I could buy expensive art. This is not even that expensive, but lass I cant afford it. Someday for sure. Thank you Mark Ryden for still keeping your art cheap enough so I consider spending the money I am saving to pay my electricity bill, but too expensive to really do it...

*1/21/09 side note: this print sold out in less than two hours. gone. never to be hung in my house. oh well, good things come to those who wait*

Thursday, January 8, 2009

hell yes, let's...

I spend some of my waking time reading blogs. I needed to blog about one that I read today. Its pretty much summing up most of what is great with the world. in a nutshell.

The super details are not really needed: A girl & her dog - who have been living out of their van for the last year, are back home in Portland after traveling around finding herself. She made a divorce final and she left her wedding ring in the tip jar at a coffee house in the NE of Portland. Anonymously.

Her quote" Speaking of amazing tips, a lucky barista in NE Portland clocked out of her shift last week and rode her fixed gear bike home while wearing my wedding ring, which I uncerimoniously and anonymously removed from my right hand and tossed in the tip jar. And I didn't even force her to listen to me talking about the damn rain."

She is staying with friends now. I love people.

I think that I need to hear more about peoples self-less doings to make me realize that i get the most joy in the world helping others. And regardless of how I am doing, I need to put my stuff aside and take a backseat to someones pain and/or happiness. It feels good. Every time. All the time.

that's it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

2008, you were pretty good to me.

Things I am grateful for in 2008. in no order.

• I am just celebrated my 10Th sober nye.
• my mom's health is still pretty good.
• I still love the job I go to everyday.
• I have a boyfriend that care very much for.
• I have realized that people are not anyways what they show on the outside, and in turn they can tell you things you should change and not do those thingsthemselves.
• I am learning about how NOT to have expectations.
• I have a wonderful friend Claire who has come back into my life.
• Leon the cat is doing great.
my sponsor bill is great.
• I don't need anything.
• I have started riding a bike, and it makes me feel good.
• I still have hope in living in Portland at some point, but have just turned that shit over.
• I still have all my teeth.
• I have a great small group of people in my life that know me, and judge me very little. :)
• Rett has come into my life and let me draw this great book, and paid me for it.
• I feel safe.
• I can trust women, even if they are crazy.
• My home is great.
• I have lots of good memories from this year: riot fest, starting my book, someone leaving my life- so that opened me up to new friends, b&l's Halloween party, going to NYC for the first time, growth with some amazing people, seeing my friend James change so much, Sundays at beans, my mom and i really making changes in the way we relate...and a ton of other good stuff.