Thursday, January 29, 2009

3:33am

I woke up this morning cold...and in a panic. I am not sure what happened, in the last few days. My heart has been ripped out and I can see it on the floor bleeding. I cant stop crying at my desk (at least I don't face anyone) and the pain in my stomach feels like I just ate some rocks.

My love was real, true and pure. It was the good kind. The kind that makes you nervous. The kind that makes you want to wear your best underwear and sing songs. And cook (even when you don't know how). And be silly and know its OK. I trusted this person with my thoughts and feelings.

This is what heartbreak feels like? Is this why people write sappy songs and make bad decisions? I have been through a ton of shit in my life and every time I loose a love it feels like it hurts worse than the one before. And no deaths in my family have hurt me as much as feeling like I gave my heart and it did not work out. And in this situation today, the person says they love me too. But they have to do what they think is right, and that means not being with me.

I know that when I read this some time from now...it will hurt less and I will be still alive, sober, and living my life. I will be ok. I always am. It hurts really bad right now. It seems to me that life is too short to give up someone that shares your heart. And making the change to fix things inside you because you are worth it and the people you choose to be with are worth it, but some people don't share that feeling. They are not willing to even try. They say "they can't" and give up. And I deserve better (this is where I convincing myself) and to be treated with respect and admiration. I want to be with someone that will not lie to me.

Maybe I am getting the karma back for all the lies I have told in the past. Maybe this is a lesson I am ment to learn? Maybe this all happened for a reason. Something I can't see right now.

I do know that I can take the time I was spending on them, and put it into things I want to do for myself. Stuff that was easy to put off and shelve for another day. Well that day is today. I am alone once again (with the exception of leon...and he is tired of my tears too) and I will be fine.

3 comments:

caroline said...

I have read you post a couple of times and feel your pain, your sadness and want you to know my heart goes out to you. I know what tiis feels like, a mini death of sorts... I wish to give you a giant hug, a heart to heart hug. Ahite, they say a heart broken is now open, wide open like the sky... This experience feels really shitty now but your a survivor and the gift you gain from this is going to be greater and vaster than the the pain in your chest right now. Blessings, heart blessings I wish you healing and clarity.

caroline said...

I hope your doing a little better, I sent you a comment from my itouch the other day... don't know if you received it... Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Blessings light and the transformation of your precious heart guided by the intense deep everlasting light of the soul.

caroline said...

Keep writing, keep writing this truthful writing is one of the bravest most healing things you can do. I am praying sending you prayers that your heart will release her sadness and illuminate the way. good things are coming to you.